Chris 2

GOT MY BFF BACK!


so i went to the dropkick murphys show on tuesday
i spotted who i thought was chris during the second band,he was wearing glasses and a backwards cap
i couldnt spot him any more after that though
then during the dropkicks set,i finally saw him again,shirt already off and a shoe in his hand
i was gonna wait for him to see me but he seemed pretty wasted so i decided to get his attention,i smacked him chest a few times but i guess he was really into the song and didnt even look my way
i thought he was mad at me and was ignoring me
so a little bit later i saw him again and rubbed his hair/head,this time he saw me and was over joyed
he said something to me about how he already lost his shoe (he loses a shoe every show,i dunno why he doesnt just tie his laces tighter)
i saw him a few more times then during the last few songs i couldnt find him
after the show i walked out side and saw him,he was on the phone so i just smacked his chest and said later
he stopped me and told me to come back and he asked me to go inside and get his jacket b/c he got kicked out
so i found the only lone jacket in the place and brought it out,turns out it wasnt his,but he took it anyway
after a little more chatting he proceeded to punch me in the stomach
chris:what the hell
me:what?!
chris:you know what
me:are you still mad about that
chris:fuck yeah dude im pissed,why did you do that shit
me:it was hilarious how mad you were getting,like right now
he then said some shit about the girl and how he would have kept talking to her but he hasnt since i guess she was pissed or whatever
then i told him it was pointless b/c shes from boston and shes ugly

so it turned out better than i expected
he was both still mad at me and still wanted to be my friend

Jesus is hip

found some old pictures me and a couple of friends did a few years ago
dont remember what inspired us to do these but here they are
sorry for the shitty quality,i dont have a scanner,i just took a picture of them




just wanna point out the awesome D+ on his religion paper,and the flip up shades

Dear Hallmark,

today is the begining of the end for you
today at work,i was told it was a co-workers birthday
i had to scramble to find a gift for her
shes sensitive about her weight so candy or food in general is out of the question
its too late to go to the store since im already at work
only one option,i had to make a card,but i couldnt find any paper around (weird since i work in an office)
so i grabbed the nearest paper item-a paper towel
i quickly draw a generic cover,but me being me,i had to do something creative for the inside
then it hit me,ill make this a duel purpose card,not only is it a birthday card,but its also a paper towel!
perfect for cleaning those messes the morning after



everyone at work told me this was awesome and that i should really market these
i figure i can go buy a roll of paper towels for a dollar or two,then sell the cards for .50 each,i can make profit in no time and ill quickly become the new THING around town
see ya at the bank suckers
(ps,this also triples as toilet paper!)

chris

chris blume, where to start with this clown
oh theres a good start, hes the kid who wore an icp shirt in 7th grade, its a good thing i didnt have the knowledge and hate for that band and their following at that time or i may never have had any of these awesome stories to share
ive known him since 5th of 6th grade as a friend,but it wasnt til high school that we got to be real good friends,he had a girlfriend starting freshman or sophomore year named liz,she was ugly and so was he,but for some reason they thought each other were the two hottest people on the planet and they would constantly make out in public and even in the company of just us friends

my earliest creepy story was in 8th grade where he wrote some stories about raping another girl in our class. he ended up getting caught but i guess nothing ever happened. i dunno if the girl ever found out about it,but i have a feeling she didnt.

back to him and liz,they were going pretty steady for a long time (2 1/2-3 years) when liz ended up pregnant. we never knew about this til after they broke up (soon after she got pregnant) when one night a drunk chris told us how she gave her self an abortion with a screw driver (when i heard this i walked in to the other room and returned with a 2 foot long screw driver and asked him if it looked like this one)
just a year ago liz told me that story was bs and that chris actually beat her to make her miscarriage
either way i think the real story is hiliarious which ever it may be
after they broke up chris went through this phase where he didnt shower any more and he wore the same cloths every day (probably the cloths he was wearing when they broke up so he could remember her better)
he would come to school and pick at the mold growing on his cloths, he was a pretty sick dude

he thinks hes irish,i dunno why he thinks this,probably because his favorite band is dropkick murphys.hes seen them probably 10 times. he loves them so much he actually got DKM tattooed on his shoulder.when he goes to a show,its an amazing sight
usually people push or swing their arms or what ever in the mosh pit....but not chris....chris looks like a dolphin jumping out of the sea
its truely amazing,we have all tried to re-enact the dance/mosh but its impossible. this just helps support out theory that he is from the future...and the future is water world. he has no hair on his body(expept his head,but no eyebrows) to help him move faster through the water,and he can swim as fast as a dolphin,seriously he could probably be in the olympics
but anyway, litterally everything he wears is either green,has dropkick murphys on it,or says guinness
there was that time that he put on one of my sleeveless shirts once and said he was going to go home and cut off the sleeves on his shirts
the next time we saw him he had on a button up shirt with the sleeves cut off

oh yeah i forgot to mention he loves star wars,and he almost killed me and my best friend over it
we went to go see episode 3,he had already seen it 10 or 11 times and wanted to go to another city to see it on a larger screen so we were like alright
near the end of the film obiwan kenobi says "younglings' in reference to children
me and jack start laughing our asses off and he gets pissed
he wont talk to us the rest of the movie because we keep laughing the rest of the movie
we get out and he wont talk to us,we get in his car and he wont talk
we start heading home and he is going 90-100mph on a curvy ass road
we tried to get him to slow down but he was pissed and wanted us to die and probably wanted to die himself since he wasnt with liz anymore,luckily we made it back alive

we used to go to this river and jump off the bluffs during the summer,it was fun and what not
til we started making fun of the way chris jumped off the cliff,he basically throws his arms out to the side as wide as possible and his legs are almost doing the splits
once again,he was pissed,he tried telling us thats how olympic long jumpers do it to get further distance,but we were like yeah but you still look like a queer doing it
so we get ready to leave and he wont get in the car,so im like fuck it,me and jack leave

then back in high school he got pissed at eric schaefer one day
eric is probably 9 ft 7,and 74 lbs,but i dunno,im not a physician
chris is trying to be-little eric but he actually stands up for himself this time and it just makes chris even more mad
so he takes his lunch box and swings it at eric,who blocks it,and chris breaks his pinky in the process
he said he was going to sue eric and charge him with assault,but i dont think it ever happened,hes just an idiot for ever saying it though

we arent really sure why,but for some reason when ever he talks to his mom or sisters,he starts talking like cartman from south park
he just gets a really high pitched voice with cartmans accent out of no where

when i first started going out with my now wife,i got a call from chris saying lets hang out,im like alright
but i was also with michaela at the time and we were making out
i told him to meet me at a grocery store,he gets there and tries calling me but i dont answer because id rather make out with a girl than hang with that creep
incidentally he runs into some old high school friends,but they were ahead of the time and were way creeped out by chris even then so they never hung with him
he starts following them around the store and finds out they are going to a party,so he hops in their car with them with out even asking and goes to their party where no one says a word to him the whole time

and on the subject of my wife,who is a photographer,he once asked me if she would take naked pictures of him
i was too creeped out to ask why,but i said no
i imagine he was going to get them wallet sized and just hand them to girls at parties and have his number on the back,kinda like a business card

oh on the subject of that now,after chris and liz broke up chris headed to college where he immedietly started telling me about all these crazy sex stories
every monday he had new stories of this chick he banged
i could probably write a whole blog on these stories,but ill just share my personal favorite
he was just chillin at a party,and he saw this group of girl,he said he went up to the most shy looking girl and started talking to her,oh and i swear to god she looked like natille portman
so they are on the couch talking when all the sudden she pulls out his cock and starts sucking him off in the middle of this room of people
then they head up to a bedroom and start fucking. the way he described it was it was exactly like a porno,they did like 19 different positions, then at the end she didnt tell him to,he didnt surprise her,but she DEMANDED that he cum on her face

well fast forward a year,i randomly get this text from him telling me that he made up all those stories and he wanted to tell me before he left the US to go study abroad in,where else, IRELAND!
so hes in ireland and then he starts texting me these stories about having 3 ways over there with some girls he met from boston (oh thats weird,isnt that where DKM is from)
actually one text said "he banged some hot irish bird and that he is now a legend among his new friends"
my theory is that he fucked a chicken 19 times one night and his friends called him a legend
whatever
then my friend is like "tell him to send some pics of these hot ass babes"
to which he responds with he cant send them or some bs
but i managed to get their names, then we looked these babes up on facebook
well lets just say he exagerated by calling them hot
fast forward to a couple weeks after he gets home
we are drunk one night (not chris,we hadnt hung out with him in a year by this point)and i get on facebook and send one of his hot babes a message that chris had sent me while he was in ireland about fucking this girl and blah blah blah
i forget about it til the next night when i get a text from chris yelling at me for doing that shit
then i get another text telling me i WILL appologize to her
i didnt respond to either,and actually as the week went on i never responded to any of his messages,which go as follows (the first two are from the first night)
-dude wtf,molly is a friend of mine and shes totally pissed at me. you owe her a fucking appology
-im not fucking joking man, i talk to you like that because were friends and im fucking around but shes a good friend of mine as well and she didnt deserve what you did to her. you will appologize
-so you got an apology for my friend yet
-im not gonna let this go,you owe molly an appology for putting that shit up where its visible to her friends and family.you can either send her a facebook message or give it to me and ill pass it along.i honestly dont know what the fuck you were thinking when you did this cause its the most fucked up thing youve ever done to me
-you know you owe me an apology too,im just not stupid enough to ever expect that from you.im still waiting for your apology for molly however.you cant fucking ignore me forever
-you know all you have to fucking do is tell me and i can tell her youre sorry.its not the most difficult thing in the world
-wheres my fucking apology you cock sucker
-you wanna go with me to the dropkicks show in KC without paying for any gas,then tell me what i wanna hear
-if you ever wanna hear me mention anything ever again just get this shit over with
-you realize that wat you did to me is exactly what we did to saggy fat tits and naked girl (*)we did that to people we dont give a shit about,is that what you did
*we found naked pics of these girls,printed them off then put them in an envelope addressed to their parents and put them in their mailbox

after the last text we were out at a bar and i was telling my friend about all this,so he ends up texting chris some shit,i dont remember what he said since i was drunk,but i got a text from chris like 5 minutes later saying like "you told other people about all this shit? something something something. we arent friends anymore!"

i havent heard from him since,but some friends saw him at a show the other night and i found out he was going to be at the dropkick murphys show coming up.....which my wife got me tickets for last week
so a good story is sure to come

Mallard Fillmore

I read the newspaper everyday at work,but my favorite part to read is with out a doubt the comics. I cant wait to get to work just to read them.
Ive never seen any comics outside of the jefferson city paper so when i started my new job and started reading the st louis and kansas city papers i became familiar with lots of new funny comics
except one,named mallard fillmore
i go on rants on a daily basis to my coworkers about how much i hate this comic
then one day i decided i was going to write the cartoonist and tell him to quit because he sucked
i was originally going to fill it with cuss words every other word,but then i decided it would be way awesome to get a response from this guy,so i toned it down and hopefully i will get a response from him now.
heres the letter





Dear Bruce,
One day I was reading the St Louis Post Dispatch. I read the comic section going from comic to comic laughing to myself at the crazy antics of Garfield, chuckling at Mr. Bumsted getting fired again and anticipating what crazy scheme Dogbert will come up with today. Then I stumbled upon a strip I had never heard of before entitled “Mallard Fillmore”.
I wasn’t sure what to think about it. It was a political cartoon jabbing at Obama or Clinton. It wasn’t really funny, it just stated an obvious fact about either candidate. Well maybe it was an off day I thought to myself, I’ll read again tomorrow. The next day was another political cartoon, and again unfunny. Cartoonists often do strips with weekly themes so maybe next week would be different.
Monday rolled around again and I headed to the break room to read the comics. Hagar was great as always, as was Duplex and Beetle Bailey. Then my eyes caught Mallard Fillmore again. I couldn’t believe it. Just another jab at Obama. There had to be a mistake at the printing press. They must be meaning to print this comic with the rest of the political comics and it accidentally ends up with the good comics. But days and weeks went by and it was still being printed.
At first I was reading it out of curiosity, but as time went on it was just making me mad. This couldn’t be a mistake anymore, it was just a real bad comic. People read the funny pages to laugh at fictional characters in fictional situations. When they want to deal with real life problems, they read the rest of the paper. The comics are an escape and now they are being invaded by bad political comics.
Months went on and each day my coworkers laughed as I went on rants about how much I hate this comic. Actually saying I hate this comic is like saying Hitler wasn’t fond of the Jews. My coworkers agreed with what I said, but none of them had the hateful passion that this comic burned in my heart. I couldn’t stop reading it because I had to tune in each day just to see how much dumber it could get. But now I’ve had enough.
So now I ask you Bruce, please stop writing this comic. For the good of everyone reading the comics, just stop. If need be I will come up with 50,000 signatures (or 50,000 good comics), but you really need to stop.
Looking forward to never seeing your comic again,



Joseph Fender

another tale of mike

im going to periodically make short posts about the amazing things this guy says and this is one

about 6 months ago a semi truck was traveling around a sharp turn and over turned,burst into flames,and manged to make this bridge above it melt/collapse
mike freaked the fuck out,a night or two later i was over at his house and he was going nuts
"the city didnt do a good enough job letting us know about this,that could have been terrorists!!!"
to which i responded
"mike,it wasnt terrorists,why would they alert the city that an accident occured"
"well im just saying if it was a terrorist threat,we needed to know and they didnt get the job done"

i just laughed and went on with my life knowing theres nothing that i can say to this man that wont get turned around in his head

a real jerry springer tale

let me tell you about a man named chris boggs. chris had millions of dollars. he had so much money that he just blew it on dumb shit. He bought a brand new firebird,and one night some one smashed a window on it. they didnt steal anything,just smashed a window. so instead of going and getting the window fixed,he just left it sit in his yard and went and bought a new car.
He bought a brand new $15,000 handgun and one day while out in the woods he dropped it by mistake......and instead of looking for it,he just said "fuck it" and left.
He bought a brand new plasma tv......for every room of his house....including his bathrooms.
He did other dumb shit but my minds fuzzy right now,but let me tell you about chris' fatal flaw....he could not get an erection
i dont know all the details,all i know is the accident involved him and a semi truck. Me and my friends thought long and hard about the possible scenarios that could have led to this and the only logical thing we can come up with goes like this
One day chris was coming out of a man hole...naked. Right as he got to hip level is weiner flopped onto the asphalt and that fateful semi truck just happed to cross paths with his weiner.
why am i tell you about chris and his disfunctional weiner?
well it plays a big part in the story
my sister laura met him one day through a friend or something and they became good friends and dated for a long time
well before you know it laura ends up pregnant. wait wut? we scratched our heads on this long and hard and could figure it out
chris some how believed this too,i dunno maybe he stuck his limp weiner into my sister,who knows,im not asking
anyway they get married at the most white trash wedding ive ever attended (complete with live music with some guy playing banjo and my dad and uncle singing along) i think the wedding was before she was pregnant,i just wanted to mention it
anyway eventually we find out that laura wasnt impregnated by chris at all. no infact it was chris' father,jim,who did it. this guy looks like hes close to 80 but i imagine hes only in his 60s.
well after this happened,jims wife leaves him for......jims brother.
so chris and laura get divorced and jim and laura marry
it stopped being so jerry springer now because jim is way cooler than that fag chris ever was.i think he managed to spend all of his money in a 6 month period.
and now laura and jim have 2 kids.whatev

My fiance's dad

I'm gonna tell you about Mike. I'm not sure what's wrong with Mike,but there is def. something not working correct in his brain. I'm pretty sure his brain runs 5 minutes behind the information going into it. Yesterday I get dragged into going to a Chestnut Festival....no I'm serious. After heading down this long gravel road in this tiny ass town an hour away, we come upon the chestnut festival. It's basically 4 tents set up in a U shape. The biggest tent was full of booths from places around the state giving samples of their beer,wine,"gourmet" food, and other stupid shit(there was even a live cooking demo complete with hay bails for people to sit on and watch)
My favorite booth was the guy that just stood there and made bowls from scratch.
The second tent sold chestnut trees. The third tent sold chestnuts,and the fourth tent sold food and had a seating area. The big attraction to the food area was the Buffalo Burger. Before we even got to the place Mike was raving about the Buffalo burger and if I had ever had one. I says no (I try to keep my answers as short as possible with Mike so he will stop talking to me) but he keeps raving about buffalo burgers.
Anyway, while Mike,his wife,and michaela (my fiance) are looking at shit,me and ethan(my son) are standing off by ourself watching a guy make bowls most of the time.
I found a balloon for ethan and he quickly discovered rubbing your hand over it makes a loud obnoxious noise that drives away everyone around you,so i kept encouraging him.
Later I met up with the crew again and they decide its time for lunch. Mike could'nt be more excited for the buffalo burger. I see the price guide and notice the buffalo burger is $5,this thing must be big and it better be good....well actually I didnt care since Mike was paying. Everyone just got a burger,except Mikes wife,Lorna, who is a giant sea cow,and got chips and dessert also
Michaela hates how big her mom is and constantly tries to get her to lose weight and do healthy things.Earlier in the day Michaela tried to get her mom to buy something that was supposed to be helpful to people with diabetes or something and she said she didnt want it or something. After she told me this she was like "God I swear she just wants to die." to which I respond "If I was married to Mike so would I."
Anyway,we get our buffalo burgers. To give you an accurate description of what this looks like, think back to 7th grade in youre school cafeteria. Those hamburgers you paid $1.25 for....thats what this was,it wasnt real meat,it was cafeteria meat,and i dunno what made it a buffalo burger,it tasted just like a hamburger. I guess buffalo tastes like cow.
Well Mike is raving about this burger for a while and finally I cant take any more of this festival and Im like "Its getting too cold for Ethan,I think we should go"
So we start leaving and Mike goes "So wait,are we going to go on the tour of the old house?"
Everyones just like "wat?" "Yeah theres a bus that takes you on a tour of the old house"
I wasnt going to go into depth and ask him what old house and whats the point of sitting on a bus to look at a house,I just kept walking and he shut up
We get to the car and we are changing ethan and he goes at it again "so we arent going on the bus tour of the old house?"
We get in the car and he remembers he was going to buy a chestnut tree so we drive up there and a lady at a check point stops us and mike says to her
"Ive got a grandson who pooped out on us,but i wanted to get a chestnut tree,is it alright if i drive up there and get it" and she waved us on
Michaeala and Lorna immedietly start laughing and are like "why did you have to says the first part,you made it sound like he shit his pants"
mike starts laughing and kinda starts stuttering out a response,but before he could I say " why do you guys even question what he says anymore?" and everyone kinda shut up
we get up by the tree booth and mike waits 10 minutes for this handicap person to pull out so he could park,instead of him getting out and me circle around and pick him back up like i suggested
So he gets out and is getting his tree. Minutes later he comes back with a tree.....then he goes back....and comes back with 2 more
"why did you get 3 trees" michaela asked
"well he said you need two of them so they can pollinate each other,then he told me they had a special 3 for $30,so I got 3"
whatever,i wasnt going to say anything about how he got suckered into buy 2 trees so they could mate with each other
so we are leaving and one more time he goes "so no one wants to go on the bus tour of the old house?
no one said anything,and when no one says anything he thinks no one heard him,so he repeated himself
so we said no this time to shut him up
so we get out of this festival,and i notice we arent leaving the way we came in,so i say "what are we doing"
to which michaela quickly replies "touring the town" and i could tell she was as pissed as i was
I know her parents are old and this is shit they like to do on a weekend,but i have 2 days off a week and i like to make the most of them,and going to a chestnut festival and touring a town of 250 people isnt my idea of making the most of it
they decide they want to get out and look at a few shops in town,so im like fuck it,im glad i brought my skateboard
so im skating though this town and some how manage to get kicked out of two places in ten minutes,guess skateboarding is a big threat in this town
we get back and are leaving when mike goes "man i wish we could have went on that bus tour ride of the old house"
anyway lorna starts going on about how she needs to use the restroom but eventually drops it because Mike is a fucking idiot and just kept saying dumb shit
then we pass and A&W,and he says "we can go to A&W,they have restrooms there,anyone want to go to A&W?"
No
"i though you had to go the bathroom lorna,you were making a big deal about it,lets just go to A&W"
NO
so we pass it and keep going
atleast 2 miles past this place he once again goes "so you guys dont want to go to A&W?"
i seriously have no idea whats wrong with him but 5 miles later "man i wish we would have went to A&W,i would have got a root beer float"
i fall asleep so after that so i dunno what other dumb shit he said,but whats the first thing i hear when i wake up but "Man I wish we could have gone on that bus tour of the old house"