I'm gonna tell you about Mike. I'm not sure what's wrong with Mike,but there is def. something not working correct in his brain. I'm pretty sure his brain runs 5 minutes behind the information going into it. Yesterday I get dragged into going to a Chestnut Festival....no I'm serious. After heading down this long gravel road in this tiny ass town an hour away, we come upon the chestnut festival. It's basically 4 tents set up in a U shape. The biggest tent was full of booths from places around the state giving samples of their beer,wine,"gourmet" food, and other stupid shit(there was even a live cooking demo complete with hay bails for people to sit on and watch)
My favorite booth was the guy that just stood there and made bowls from scratch.
The second tent sold chestnut trees. The third tent sold chestnuts,and the fourth tent sold food and had a seating area. The big attraction to the food area was the Buffalo Burger. Before we even got to the place Mike was raving about the Buffalo burger and if I had ever had one. I says no (I try to keep my answers as short as possible with Mike so he will stop talking to me) but he keeps raving about buffalo burgers.
Anyway, while Mike,his wife,and michaela (my fiance) are looking at shit,me and ethan(my son) are standing off by ourself watching a guy make bowls most of the time.
I found a balloon for ethan and he quickly discovered rubbing your hand over it makes a loud obnoxious noise that drives away everyone around you,so i kept encouraging him.
Later I met up with the crew again and they decide its time for lunch. Mike could'nt be more excited for the buffalo burger. I see the price guide and notice the buffalo burger is $5,this thing must be big and it better be good....well actually I didnt care since Mike was paying. Everyone just got a burger,except Mikes wife,Lorna, who is a giant sea cow,and got chips and dessert also
Michaela hates how big her mom is and constantly tries to get her to lose weight and do healthy things.Earlier in the day Michaela tried to get her mom to buy something that was supposed to be helpful to people with diabetes or something and she said she didnt want it or something. After she told me this she was like "God I swear she just wants to die." to which I respond "If I was married to Mike so would I."
Anyway,we get our buffalo burgers. To give you an accurate description of what this looks like, think back to 7th grade in youre school cafeteria. Those hamburgers you paid $1.25 for....thats what this was,it wasnt real meat,it was cafeteria meat,and i dunno what made it a buffalo burger,it tasted just like a hamburger. I guess buffalo tastes like cow.
Well Mike is raving about this burger for a while and finally I cant take any more of this festival and Im like "Its getting too cold for Ethan,I think we should go"
So we start leaving and Mike goes "So wait,are we going to go on the tour of the old house?"
Everyones just like "wat?" "Yeah theres a bus that takes you on a tour of the old house"
I wasnt going to go into depth and ask him what old house and whats the point of sitting on a bus to look at a house,I just kept walking and he shut up
We get to the car and we are changing ethan and he goes at it again "so we arent going on the bus tour of the old house?"
We get in the car and he remembers he was going to buy a chestnut tree so we drive up there and a lady at a check point stops us and mike says to her
"Ive got a grandson who pooped out on us,but i wanted to get a chestnut tree,is it alright if i drive up there and get it" and she waved us on
Michaeala and Lorna immedietly start laughing and are like "why did you have to says the first part,you made it sound like he shit his pants"
mike starts laughing and kinda starts stuttering out a response,but before he could I say " why do you guys even question what he says anymore?" and everyone kinda shut up
we get up by the tree booth and mike waits 10 minutes for this handicap person to pull out so he could park,instead of him getting out and me circle around and pick him back up like i suggested
So he gets out and is getting his tree. Minutes later he comes back with a tree.....then he goes back....and comes back with 2 more
"why did you get 3 trees" michaela asked
"well he said you need two of them so they can pollinate each other,then he told me they had a special 3 for $30,so I got 3"
whatever,i wasnt going to say anything about how he got suckered into buy 2 trees so they could mate with each other
so we are leaving and one more time he goes "so no one wants to go on the bus tour of the old house?
no one said anything,and when no one says anything he thinks no one heard him,so he repeated himself
so we said no this time to shut him up
so we get out of this festival,and i notice we arent leaving the way we came in,so i say "what are we doing"
to which michaela quickly replies "touring the town" and i could tell she was as pissed as i was
I know her parents are old and this is shit they like to do on a weekend,but i have 2 days off a week and i like to make the most of them,and going to a chestnut festival and touring a town of 250 people isnt my idea of making the most of it
they decide they want to get out and look at a few shops in town,so im like fuck it,im glad i brought my skateboard
so im skating though this town and some how manage to get kicked out of two places in ten minutes,guess skateboarding is a big threat in this town
we get back and are leaving when mike goes "man i wish we could have went on that bus tour ride of the old house"
anyway lorna starts going on about how she needs to use the restroom but eventually drops it because Mike is a fucking idiot and just kept saying dumb shit
then we pass and A&W,and he says "we can go to A&W,they have restrooms there,anyone want to go to A&W?"
No
"i though you had to go the bathroom lorna,you were making a big deal about it,lets just go to A&W"
NO
so we pass it and keep going
atleast 2 miles past this place he once again goes "so you guys dont want to go to A&W?"
i seriously have no idea whats wrong with him but 5 miles later "man i wish we would have went to A&W,i would have got a root beer float"
i fall asleep so after that so i dunno what other dumb shit he said,but whats the first thing i hear when i wake up but "Man I wish we could have gone on that bus tour of the old house"
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