chris

chris blume, where to start with this clown
oh theres a good start, hes the kid who wore an icp shirt in 7th grade, its a good thing i didnt have the knowledge and hate for that band and their following at that time or i may never have had any of these awesome stories to share
ive known him since 5th of 6th grade as a friend,but it wasnt til high school that we got to be real good friends,he had a girlfriend starting freshman or sophomore year named liz,she was ugly and so was he,but for some reason they thought each other were the two hottest people on the planet and they would constantly make out in public and even in the company of just us friends

my earliest creepy story was in 8th grade where he wrote some stories about raping another girl in our class. he ended up getting caught but i guess nothing ever happened. i dunno if the girl ever found out about it,but i have a feeling she didnt.

back to him and liz,they were going pretty steady for a long time (2 1/2-3 years) when liz ended up pregnant. we never knew about this til after they broke up (soon after she got pregnant) when one night a drunk chris told us how she gave her self an abortion with a screw driver (when i heard this i walked in to the other room and returned with a 2 foot long screw driver and asked him if it looked like this one)
just a year ago liz told me that story was bs and that chris actually beat her to make her miscarriage
either way i think the real story is hiliarious which ever it may be
after they broke up chris went through this phase where he didnt shower any more and he wore the same cloths every day (probably the cloths he was wearing when they broke up so he could remember her better)
he would come to school and pick at the mold growing on his cloths, he was a pretty sick dude

he thinks hes irish,i dunno why he thinks this,probably because his favorite band is dropkick murphys.hes seen them probably 10 times. he loves them so much he actually got DKM tattooed on his shoulder.when he goes to a show,its an amazing sight
usually people push or swing their arms or what ever in the mosh pit....but not chris....chris looks like a dolphin jumping out of the sea
its truely amazing,we have all tried to re-enact the dance/mosh but its impossible. this just helps support out theory that he is from the future...and the future is water world. he has no hair on his body(expept his head,but no eyebrows) to help him move faster through the water,and he can swim as fast as a dolphin,seriously he could probably be in the olympics
but anyway, litterally everything he wears is either green,has dropkick murphys on it,or says guinness
there was that time that he put on one of my sleeveless shirts once and said he was going to go home and cut off the sleeves on his shirts
the next time we saw him he had on a button up shirt with the sleeves cut off

oh yeah i forgot to mention he loves star wars,and he almost killed me and my best friend over it
we went to go see episode 3,he had already seen it 10 or 11 times and wanted to go to another city to see it on a larger screen so we were like alright
near the end of the film obiwan kenobi says "younglings' in reference to children
me and jack start laughing our asses off and he gets pissed
he wont talk to us the rest of the movie because we keep laughing the rest of the movie
we get out and he wont talk to us,we get in his car and he wont talk
we start heading home and he is going 90-100mph on a curvy ass road
we tried to get him to slow down but he was pissed and wanted us to die and probably wanted to die himself since he wasnt with liz anymore,luckily we made it back alive

we used to go to this river and jump off the bluffs during the summer,it was fun and what not
til we started making fun of the way chris jumped off the cliff,he basically throws his arms out to the side as wide as possible and his legs are almost doing the splits
once again,he was pissed,he tried telling us thats how olympic long jumpers do it to get further distance,but we were like yeah but you still look like a queer doing it
so we get ready to leave and he wont get in the car,so im like fuck it,me and jack leave

then back in high school he got pissed at eric schaefer one day
eric is probably 9 ft 7,and 74 lbs,but i dunno,im not a physician
chris is trying to be-little eric but he actually stands up for himself this time and it just makes chris even more mad
so he takes his lunch box and swings it at eric,who blocks it,and chris breaks his pinky in the process
he said he was going to sue eric and charge him with assault,but i dont think it ever happened,hes just an idiot for ever saying it though

we arent really sure why,but for some reason when ever he talks to his mom or sisters,he starts talking like cartman from south park
he just gets a really high pitched voice with cartmans accent out of no where

when i first started going out with my now wife,i got a call from chris saying lets hang out,im like alright
but i was also with michaela at the time and we were making out
i told him to meet me at a grocery store,he gets there and tries calling me but i dont answer because id rather make out with a girl than hang with that creep
incidentally he runs into some old high school friends,but they were ahead of the time and were way creeped out by chris even then so they never hung with him
he starts following them around the store and finds out they are going to a party,so he hops in their car with them with out even asking and goes to their party where no one says a word to him the whole time

and on the subject of my wife,who is a photographer,he once asked me if she would take naked pictures of him
i was too creeped out to ask why,but i said no
i imagine he was going to get them wallet sized and just hand them to girls at parties and have his number on the back,kinda like a business card

oh on the subject of that now,after chris and liz broke up chris headed to college where he immedietly started telling me about all these crazy sex stories
every monday he had new stories of this chick he banged
i could probably write a whole blog on these stories,but ill just share my personal favorite
he was just chillin at a party,and he saw this group of girl,he said he went up to the most shy looking girl and started talking to her,oh and i swear to god she looked like natille portman
so they are on the couch talking when all the sudden she pulls out his cock and starts sucking him off in the middle of this room of people
then they head up to a bedroom and start fucking. the way he described it was it was exactly like a porno,they did like 19 different positions, then at the end she didnt tell him to,he didnt surprise her,but she DEMANDED that he cum on her face

well fast forward a year,i randomly get this text from him telling me that he made up all those stories and he wanted to tell me before he left the US to go study abroad in,where else, IRELAND!
so hes in ireland and then he starts texting me these stories about having 3 ways over there with some girls he met from boston (oh thats weird,isnt that where DKM is from)
actually one text said "he banged some hot irish bird and that he is now a legend among his new friends"
my theory is that he fucked a chicken 19 times one night and his friends called him a legend
whatever
then my friend is like "tell him to send some pics of these hot ass babes"
to which he responds with he cant send them or some bs
but i managed to get their names, then we looked these babes up on facebook
well lets just say he exagerated by calling them hot
fast forward to a couple weeks after he gets home
we are drunk one night (not chris,we hadnt hung out with him in a year by this point)and i get on facebook and send one of his hot babes a message that chris had sent me while he was in ireland about fucking this girl and blah blah blah
i forget about it til the next night when i get a text from chris yelling at me for doing that shit
then i get another text telling me i WILL appologize to her
i didnt respond to either,and actually as the week went on i never responded to any of his messages,which go as follows (the first two are from the first night)
-dude wtf,molly is a friend of mine and shes totally pissed at me. you owe her a fucking appology
-im not fucking joking man, i talk to you like that because were friends and im fucking around but shes a good friend of mine as well and she didnt deserve what you did to her. you will appologize
-so you got an apology for my friend yet
-im not gonna let this go,you owe molly an appology for putting that shit up where its visible to her friends and family.you can either send her a facebook message or give it to me and ill pass it along.i honestly dont know what the fuck you were thinking when you did this cause its the most fucked up thing youve ever done to me
-you know you owe me an apology too,im just not stupid enough to ever expect that from you.im still waiting for your apology for molly however.you cant fucking ignore me forever
-you know all you have to fucking do is tell me and i can tell her youre sorry.its not the most difficult thing in the world
-wheres my fucking apology you cock sucker
-you wanna go with me to the dropkicks show in KC without paying for any gas,then tell me what i wanna hear
-if you ever wanna hear me mention anything ever again just get this shit over with
-you realize that wat you did to me is exactly what we did to saggy fat tits and naked girl (*)we did that to people we dont give a shit about,is that what you did
*we found naked pics of these girls,printed them off then put them in an envelope addressed to their parents and put them in their mailbox

after the last text we were out at a bar and i was telling my friend about all this,so he ends up texting chris some shit,i dont remember what he said since i was drunk,but i got a text from chris like 5 minutes later saying like "you told other people about all this shit? something something something. we arent friends anymore!"

i havent heard from him since,but some friends saw him at a show the other night and i found out he was going to be at the dropkick murphys show coming up.....which my wife got me tickets for last week
so a good story is sure to come